Taken over by strange force

Yesterday as winter cover us with its blue hues I felt sad because of the memories of xmas past and the ones to come. Trough out the day i tried to warm up with no much luck I work around the house keeping my mind distracted away from sad thoughts. I looked at the mirror and i saw i tired image of my soul. Then i went to see you.
You were not there just a glance of your person look at me. I tried to warm your cold hands with a warm drink and silence took us both.
When my little boy came in you smile at him then something took over ourselves I turn on the TV and we all started to sing. It was a coincidence that one of you favourites singers was on Bing Crosby with his white Christmas song. We sang and danced hugs together and finally warm up.
A sudden force took us over It was a moment of peace and joy and we all felt happy and warm. at this instance i was reminded that the spirit of Christmas live  not in a nicely wrap up present but in the little gifts that life give us, moments of joy after storms, moments of silence when everything becomes formless, little moments that makes our life worth living for.
All i want for this Christmas is your smile, your singing and a warm hugs from everyone that comes close to me.
Tell me what do you wish for Xmas...?

Searching for the past

Searching for the past and I am sightless
I cannot see no matter how wide I open my eyes…
Searching for the past
I cannot hear that little voice inside me telling me where to search
Searching for the past
I retrace my steps not once but many times still no shadow to be found
Searching for the past I found a present full of faces that look familiar but I cannot remember…
Searching for the past I went for a walk with no return
Everything I wanted was to find my dad and my old cosy home…

On that day

On the day you were diagnose I did not know what to say I just felt like slapping someone in the face.
On the day that you said you saw your dead mum walking down to the shops I wanted to rescue you from getting lost.
On the day you wonder like a lost soul I follow you through the dark streets then a strange force and compelled me to care.
On the day you slap me on the face I wanted to hurt you too but I looked into your eyes and discovered how much in fear you were.
On the day that I took you to the loo for the first time we laugh about the indignities of life
On the day I have to feed you I saw your distress again  
I felt that I lost this battle, I felt have to let you go.
On that day I wrote about us ‘my fallen autumn leaf’
there is nothing I could do to stop you from falling…

I see her going

I try to catch her
but she like the sand
scape from my hands...
I touch her to find out is she will remember me
she look at me like a child
looking for hope
hope to regain her memories.
I feed her meal
she look at it with content
but unknowable to reconise it 
she goes quiet...  
As she gets lost in her limbo
she holds my hand with bravery
and says I am on my own child
but i know you are right behind me...

care for her

I started this blog just to comunicate my thouths and feeling about my life as a carer and the life on my mother in law who suffers alzheimers disease. I do not know yet what the family is going to say about this but to be honest I am willing to raise awarerness not only about how horrible is this illnes is but how destructive it becomes in everyones life's.